I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
