So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
