Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
