there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
