Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Randomize
