I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
if only i could text you this smell
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
