Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
