i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
