i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
