god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I need water and some morals
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize