You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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