I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize