Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
