also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
