he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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