she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
