I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just pee around me
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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