my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
