Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize