Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
