I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize