Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I faked an abortion last night.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
