Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
