went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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