All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
As shirtless as possible
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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