Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
