party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
