So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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