The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
