awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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