shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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