After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
