remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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