Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
