Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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