Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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