WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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