Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
