What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
not ubering you a puppy
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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