So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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