Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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