You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I made him laugh his dick is mine
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
