At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
