I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
