So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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