You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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