why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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