man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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