so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
