cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
