Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He has the fingertips of a God
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize