He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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