I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
