maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
