life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
