I wish my penis had an off switch
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Randomize
