I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
