I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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